Like honestly, I did so bad in school. Took the non-academic courses. I'm still unsure of what I want to do, but like I keep on planning, I really want to do something in Fashion. But I don't really have a passion for it really. Unlike most people. Which kind of discourages me. I just really want to work at a Vogue or a really well known magazine, and have my own little article thing that I would get to publish each month. That way I would be immersed in the fashion world and get to be analytical or critical of stuff.
I also really want to go into modelling - but then if I do get into it, how long will I last? Will I make it far? Would I become a super model?
I wish there was someway of finding out these things, with out driving myself crazy over this. Since I want to know what to do with my life, should I move off to Europe and become a translator. Or maybe even go to school and become a journalist or something. Since I know I just can't spend all my time reading, and writing blogs. It would be sweet and all, but then I wouldn't make it very far in life.
I should have tried harder in school at least, having been exposed to the harsh realities of life at such an early age. Having been to Peru seeing all those people, families on the street, begging for money and food so that they could barely survive the week. Even when I got to actually be with my Grandma in Poland, getting angry at me for not studying, asking me if I wanted to be like a hobo. I feel like I've disappointed her, and a few others. I know for sure that I've disappointed my father, he made sure that I knew, and remembered since I was very young. Probably since grade 5.
Fuck it even seems, whenever I try to make plans for myself, they always fuck up. It never seems to work out for me the way I intended it to. Just for once I want things to go my way. I was gonna fix things that I have ruined here, living in the mountains, even pursue things that would benefit me greatly. Taking Spanish in school, learning how to correctly spell things. Instead of hoping that I spelled the word right, and using a spell checker. Not really learning how to write the word properly. It feels as if I can't speak proper English, and I know for sure that I can't speak, read or write proper Spanish. Since I taught myself how to read and write it. My mom being to lazy, and to occupied with my little sister. It's dawned on me that my mom really loves my sister more. She does anything for her in a heart beat, it's as if she's given up on me or something. She's always been there for her, never really there for me. She's never seen me play basketball, soccer or see me practice gymnastics way back in the day. Now that when I try to talk seriously about things, she act's like a complete retard, which totally pisses me off. I just want to yell at her, asking if she's mentally retarded or what the fuck her problem is? In all honesty my sister's gonna become a little naive fuck up. I can see it coming, as to the way my mom coddles her. Always worrying about her about the stupidest things ever.
I just need to get really far away from my family. Theres just to much negative energy for me to handle, I want to be somewhere where theres some sort of positive energy. That way I won't be such an asshole. That way once I'm away I won't be blaming my parents for fucking up my life to a certain extent.
On a completely seperate note - I'm tempted to act out on an impulse of lust. But then I'm afraid of the consequences that will follow after. 'Cause then I'll actually end up falling for you, and I know that it won't work out. Which then would leave me hurt and with a sense of longing. Nothing will ever work out for me, considering I live in this shithole, I really need out. Or I will just become celebit.
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